I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
