Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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