K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
