Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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