He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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