just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
