my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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