I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
