I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
