I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
