walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
