would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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