I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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