mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
