like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
