Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
