If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
