dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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