I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
