Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
