Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize