Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
