If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
