how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
