Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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