I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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