Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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