Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
