this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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