Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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