Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
