So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I will pee on everything he values.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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