So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
