Your tits are I can't wait for
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Drunk is not a location!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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