Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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