they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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