theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
