im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
