Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
