I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
