We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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