I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize