just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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