i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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