paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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