I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
