Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
