So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Watching her eat just hurts me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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