Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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