You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
