Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is the high leading the old right now
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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