what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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