I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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