i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I think my fart just growled at me.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He passed out mid-signature
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize