I wish I could teleport
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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