just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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