Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
