Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
