Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
