so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i need some magic done to my vagina
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
