i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
