you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
