My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
