i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
